Gary Beck - Issue 35

Gary Beck has spent most of his adult life as a theater director and worked as an art dealer when he couldn't earn a living in the theater. He has also been a tennis pro, ditch digger and salvage diver. His original plays and translations of Moliere, Aristophanes and Sophocles have been produced Off Broadway. His poetry, fiction, essays and plays have appeared in hundreds of literary magazines. His traditionally published books include 45 poetry collections, 18 novels, 4 short story collections, 2 collections of essays, 8 books of plays and 16 poetry chapbooks. Gary lives in New York City.

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The Art Gallery

a one act play

(Fran and Will have just inherited a lot of money. They want to collect good art and they go to a posh gallery that has a haughty, condescending staff.)

Receptionist: May we help you? (looking disdainfully)

Fran: We want to look at some pictures.

Receptionist: We call them paintings. If you want to see pictures you should go to a photo gallery.

Will: (To Fran) Let’s get out of here. This place isn’t for us.

Fran: Just give it a chance. (to receptionist) Is it alright if we look around?

Receptionist: We are open to the public.

Will: (to Fran) I don’t like her attitude. Let’s go someplace where they treat you politely.

Fran: Let’s look at some paintings. They might have something we like.

(A salesman comes up behind them, smug, pompous and snide)

Salesman: May I help you? (More condescending than the receptionist. Will jumps in surprise)

Will: You could let us know you’re there first.

Salesman: I assumed you knew someone was there.

Will: Not when they sneak up behind us.

Salesman: I do not sneak, sir. (He walks away.)

Will: I guess we should have worn dollar signs so they’d know we were rich.

(They look at some paintings, mostly 3^rd rate school of Paris, but they’re impressed by some of the names. The Salesman rejoins them.)

Salesman: Well.. Do you see anything that looks familiar?

Fran: What do you mean?

Salesman: Do you know any of these artists?

Fran: I heard of Renoir.

Salesman: He’s very expensive. Perhaps you should consider another gallery where the art is more affordable.

Will: What does that mean?

Salesman: Our gallery may be too expensive for you and your little woman.

Will: Don’t talk about my wife like that.

Fran: Take it easy, Will.

Will: We don’t have to take crap from him.

Fran: (to Salesman) We can afford to buy paintings. Tell us about this one, (pointing to a gaudy Bernard Buffet.)

Salesman: That’s by a famous French artist. It costs $60,000.

Will: She didn’t ask the price.

Salesman: I thought I’d let you know the cost of the lesser paintings we have.

Fran: The Renoir is very pretty.

Salesman: It’s $175,000.

Will: It’s very small.

Salesman: That doesn’t matter. It’s by a great artist.

Will: I’ve seen Renoirs in museums. They all look neat and clean. This one looks sloppy.

Salesman: It certainly does not. It’s the soft, Impressionist style.

(Fran is videoing the painting with her camera.)

Will: I’m no expert, but it doesn’t look right to me.

Salesman: Who are you to judge great art. I think its time for you to leave.(He takes Will’s arm.)

Will: Take your hand off me! (He knocks the hand away that hits the Renoir, knocks it down and it tears.)

Salesman: Look what you’ve done.

Fran: You did it and I’ve got the video to prove it. I’m going to press charges against you for assaulting my husband. Let’s go, Will. (They exit.)

(The Receptionist rushes to pick up the painting.)

Receptionist: The painting is ruined. The boss will be furious.

Salesman: It doesn’t matter. He overinsures all the paintings.

Receptionist: But it’s one of a kind.

Salesman: So what. It’s fake junk and we’ll still get paid.

(exit salesman and receptionist.)